This weekend was filled with so many emotions.
It took me returning home to realize that the feelings I feel resembled those experienced during a period of grief or loss.
This entire year I have focused everything on preparing for the National stage.
-I did a show in St. Louis last March to get more experience with traveling for an out of state show.
-I lifted harder and more regularly with total concentration on my problem areas.
-I was totally on my diet with no cheat meals, substitutions or snacks.
-I even requested additional workouts to ensure I was at my best!
-Then to really prepare, I did a show the weekend prior to get my body depleted before I depleted it more. The goal was to be as tight and lean as possible.
So when the morning of the show came, my body had never been better!
My coach’s exact words were “Wow, You look Great”! Previously, I always heard, “You look good, but I want better”. So this got me excited and made me proud!
Then came the time to hit the stage:
I held tight, walked lightly and completed my individual routine without any stumbles or trips. I felt great!
The head judge called out the first 6 numbers to take the line for comparisons, Signifying the top 6. My number was not called. So I waited.
Then the next 5 were called for the 6-11 comparisons for placings. Again, it did not include my number, Now I am confused and look over at my coach. He tells me to keep smiling.
Finally, the 3rd group of numbers were called to the line, mine was the last on the list.
I got on the line for comparisons against the other girls and was moved twice. I ended up in the center, which would be great if it was in an earlier group.
(Hours later I found out that I took 12th place.)
Stage 1:
I exited the stage and was completely confused! I was not sure what really just happened. My coach came back to console me but, I was still just in complete shock. I didn’t need to cry, I was just numb, staring in the air, mind blank, no thoughts.
Stage 2:
Within the hour, anger began to set in. I was starting to feel mad about events that took place. Trying hard to make some sense of what just happened. I went back to being confused again….then angry again…
Stage 3
I found myself beginning to try to get my mind off of this by thinking of a future show to concentrate on, in a sense bargaining with myself. Trying to make the pain go away by focusing on something else. This was short-lived and I was angry again.
Stage 4
Then came time for finals.
I had to get my hair, makeup, tan and glue all touched up as if I were doing everything all over again. Knowing that I did not place made this a struggle to push though 6 more hours of this stuff for only 30 seconds on the stage to wave when they said my name.
Finally, I entered the stage, smiled, waved and then exited the stage. I went to grab my stuff from backstage.
My coach later asked where I went because he came back to see me and get some pictures. Truth is, the reality of it all finally hit me.
Every day I have been hitting my morning fasted cardio with pure intensity, pushing myself as hard as I possibly could. Each evening I trained to my fullest extent. Total focus was always on my glutes. Every day I woke up sore but pushed through these workouts regardless.
Every meal was perfectly measured. Romaine lettuce was eaten without any dressings. My gum was counted each day. My water was exactly the ounces required.
I did everything as i was told. Beyond perfect as I eliminated items that my coach would have otherwise allowed, but I wanted to be at my best!
Thoughts of these past 7 months played through my head. The sacrifices I made all came back full force. It took everything I had to get to the elevator before my knees buckled and I broke down. That was it, the finality was realized.
I cannot recall the last time I felt these feelings, probably years ago. It was not so much that I did not place in the top 5. It was that I gave this show everything I had.
Stage 5
It is said that Acceptance is no longer looking backward to try to recover the incident. I am not at this stage quite yet. Actually, I am still falling back into the confusion I felt in Stage 1…followed by anger…band aid over the incident…and then more sadness.
Maybe by writing this my period of acceptance will settle in.
Melissa Lorenzo 